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What Not to Say to a Breast Cancer Patient (no matter how well-meaning it seems)

Welcome to a heartfelt discussion about the words we choose when communicating with breast cancer patients.  While support and encouragement are essential, it’s equally crucial to understand what not to say to a breast cancer patient.  In this blog post, we’ll explore the power of compassionate communication and shed light on phrases and statements that may unintentionally cause harm or distress.  (Wait until you get to Number 10!) By learning what not to say, we can foster a more empathetic and understanding environment for those facing the challenges of breast cancer.

As for you fellow breast cancer patients or survivors, a virtual high-five and a big dose of laughter amidst this rollercoaster journey! This list is gonna make you say, “Yup, I’ve heard that one,” or “Whaaat? Someone said that to you??”  We know that sometimes people can unintentionally put their foot in their mouth (I HOPE it would be unintentional, but ya’ never know!), and we’re here to expose those awkward moments with a sprinkle of humor.  Get ready for some witty insights, if I do say so myself, hilarious anecdotes, and a whole lot of “did they really just say that?” moments.  Together, we’ll navigate the landmines of well-meaning but misguided comments while maintaining our sanity and keeping our sense of humor intact.  Get ready to laugh, relate, and gain the upper hand in those not-so-ideal conversations.  We’ve got you back (and a good punchline or two). 😉

1. “What kind is it?”

There are so many different kinds of cancer even if we’re talking about the same body part. Just in the realm of breast cancer, there are inflammatory, DCIS (aka pre-cancer), triple positive, triple negative, hormone negative but HER2+, hormone positive but HER2-, or other rare types. And there’s a range within each of these and researchers are even finding more!

It’s just human nature to be curious, but if the person wanted to say, then they would’ve told you in the first place instead of saying just “cancer.” So if they don’t mention it, then it’s best to not pry.

2. “What stage is it?”

Speaking of prying…unless it’s a close friend or family member, asking about staging is also rude.

Most people who ask don’t even know what staging means!

3. “My uncle, cousin, friend, great aunt Betsy on my mother’s side had the same thing. And they’re still alive.” Or worse, “Oh, that’s nothing. My [relative or friend] had stage [whatever stage is higher than theirs] and they’re fine.”

Look, it’s not a competition so don’t turn it into a pissing match.

I know people say stuff like this to make patients feel better. And maybe that works for some people. But it didn’t for me. I didn’t know who they were talking about. And, I didn’t know if they had the exact same cancer as I had.

Saying something like this just minimized my feelings and the struggle I was going through.

Please understand that to the cancer patient in the thick of things, what they’re going through right now is huge.

Don’t minimize it in your efforts to console. Don’t brush off their worries as if they’re being silly.

Instead, say something like, “I understand this must be a difficult time for you. I know someone who had breast cancer. They’re alive and well. And I know you will be too. Please let me know if there’s anything I can do for you.”

4. “I’m going to run in [whatever] race in your honor.”

Although this sounds nice, what does running in a race do for the patient?

Don’t get me wrong. Showing support is great! But these races feel more like they’re for the person running in the race than for the patient.

It’s all “look at me in my pink gear showing my support!”

If you want to show support, go with them to chemo or radiation treatments. Drop off food so that they don’t have to worry about what to muster up when they’re exhausted. Entertain their kids for them. Clean their house!

Do things that will actually help them here and now.

5. “Will you lose your hair?”

I think more than any other comment or question on this list, this is the one I heard the most.  It’s probably, hands down, the most common thing said but should not be said to a breast cancer patient.

There I was, getting treatment that would hopefully prolong my life, and I’m getting asked about my hair?!

I was worried about my life…to spend with my kids, husband, family, and friends.

WTF did my hair have to do with any of that??

Did my hair put food on the table? Did my hair help my kid with his homework? Did my hair lend a helping hand to my friends?

And yet, it was the number one question I got.

Did I care about losing my hair? Yes.

Did I care about it more than losing my life? Heck no!

I know, I know. They couldn’t have very well asked, “Will you lose your life?” And hair is such a ubiquitous thing that nearly anyone can relate to it.

Still, when you’re looking down the barrel of who knows what, losing your hair isn’t exactly first priority.

Also, even if losing your hair IS the first priority, who wants to be reminded of it?? Asking about it only reinforces that people are going to notice when, in fact, the hair loss happens. So don’t pour salt in the wound!

6. “It’s just hair.”

Okay, this one, you are not allowed to say unless you are someone who also has lost their hair. And even then, hair may mean a whole lot more to someone else.

I was rarely happy with my hair until it was gone.

Then I realized how warm it kept me in the winter. I still refer to the winter I had chemo as the coldest winter of my life!

Hair was not a top priority for me (see #5 above), but it was also the first time I realized how much my hair was a part of my identity. Long or short, it was mine…until it was completely and utterly gone. You’re no longer a brunette, a blonde, a redhead. It’s jarring, to say the least when it’s no longer there.

So it’s definitely not “just hair.”

7. Facebook shout-outs to the patient about how brave, strong, or what a survivor they are

This is a touchy one. Some people really like getting recognition on social media. They like the public show of support.

Personally, I feel that if you want to support me, then direct message me. If you show me support on social media, unless it’s in reply to something I’ve posted, then it’s more about patting yourself on the back.

8. “You’re so brave.”

I’ve always thought this was a weird one. Am I brave for showing up for chemo and radiation treatments? I mean, I want to survive so I’m just doing what I’m told I should do. Does that make me brave, per se?

I have a survivor friend who absolutely hates needles. So I suppose she’s brave for showing up to get her treatments.

Or maybe it’s bravery when we walk out in public with no wig and no makeup on?? LOL! I think it’s more brave of my family to see me than it is for me to be seen. LOL!

9. “You’re so strong.”

This one I understand a bit better. Sometimes during treatment, patients just want to stay in bed and forget they have cancer.

So yes, it does take strength – mental fortitude and physical strength to drag yourself out of bed, throw on some clothes and go do what you gotta do.

But when someone says “You’re so strong,” it sounds a little patronizing. (Is it just me? Let me know in the comments.)

Am I strong because I’m not a crying blubbery mess at that moment?

Instead, just say, “You appear to be handling it better than I would. If there’s anything I can do, please let me know.”

 

I saved the “best” for last…(drum roll)

10. “You’ve never looked better. Chemo is really becoming for you.”

Yes, I actually had someone say this to me! I’m going to let that sink in for a moment…

Can you believe it??  Of all the things of what not to say to a breast cancer patient…

I was in such a shock that I didn’t know if I should be offended or flattered.

Let me explain.

I lost a bunch of weight during chemo in my efforts to eat healthier and exercise regularly to keep my energy up. (It totally worked! Read about it here.)

So I was thinner and I happened to be having a great hair day (y’know, right before my scalp felt like it was on fire and I had to shave it all off to put out the fire).

I think this person was trying to make me feel better for what I was going through but it just struck me as truly bizarre. As if breast cancer was some fad diet!

I can’t imagine many people saying this one, but I thought I should throw it in just to stop anyone else from saying it.

Here’s a bonus to the “Don’t Say These 10 Things to Breast Cancer Patients” list.

It’s not saying anything at all.

This one is different because it’s not a matter of what not to say to a breast cancer patient, but about saying anything at all.

If someone tells you that they’ve got cancer, at least acknowledge it by saying something.

At a time when we’re facing our own mortality, one of the things we want is the acknowledgment of this hardship, that the struggle is real, and that shit has hit the fan.

Most people don’t know what to say, so you end up saying some platitudes like the ones above. But you don’t have to say anything profound or fancy.

If it’s someone who’s not that close to you, say something like “Oh I’m so sorry to hear that. My thoughts and prayers will be with you.”

If it’s someone who’s close to you, say something like “I’m so sorry! My thoughts and prayers will be with you. Please let me know if there’s anything I can do for you.” And then follow through! Whether it’s sending a card or flowers, or showing up with a frozen lasagna, it shows support and acknowledges that they’re going through something tough right now. Wouldn’t you want the same?

Have you had insensitive questions or comments too? Want to add something to the list of what not to say to a breast cancer patient? Share them in the comments!