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Living in the Present with Breast Cancer: Tying Shoelaces and Embracing Laughter

The Struggle of Living in the Present with Breast Cancer

Living in the present with breast cancer can be incredibly challenging. Let me explain.

I balled my eyes out not long after starting chemo. No, I didn’t get more bad news from the doctors. No, my neuropathy wasn’t acting up. And no, I didn’t have a new pain from some unknown source in my body.

The Shoe-Tying Saga: A Lesson in Patience

I cried because my son couldn’t tie his shoes. I was trying to teach him but he just wasn’t having it. Maybe I should have attended a “Teaching Your Kid to Tie Shoelaces 101″course, but hey, it’s not like that was offered at the cancer treatment center!

I cried thinking about who would teach him how to tie his shoes if not me, his mommy? I mean, he could always learn from those YouTube tutorial videos, but they can’t match the charm and love of a frazzled mom trying to demonstrate the bunny ear technique.

And then I snapped at him because he wouldn’t listen to me on how to tie his shoes. I hurt his feelings and put him in a bad mood to start the day. Not a great parenting moment at all. When all I really wanted to do was hold him tight and never let go. But it’s just not easy to be patient when you are a patient.

We walked to school and he refused to hold my hand. Who could blame him?

Hiding the pain

I tried not to let him see me cry. But I couldn’t help thinking about who would teach him to use a knife and fork or to do his laundry…and a million other things that came in rapid succession into my mind. It was overwhelming and the tears came easily. I would’ve worn waterproof mascara had I had any eyelashes!

A Mirror Reflection: Finding Humor Amidst Sallowness and Wigs

At least the cold air on the walk to school helped to slow the tide. But when I got back home and looked in the mirror to wash my face and saw the sallowness of my skin and the wig on top of my head, I cried. I let it all out. The fears of my little boy growing up without me. And the frustration of not finding a wig that could withstand a gust of wind without looking like a tumbleweed.

Who would kiss his booboos or hold him when he’s sick? And, and, and….the list went on.

Letting Go of Worries: Embracing the Present While Battling Breast Cancer

You might have to let go of how you thought things were going to go. Like the dream of being a professional shoe-tying instructor. I guess that’ll have to wait for another lifetime.

And the truth is, he would learn these things in his own time. I can’t rush it because I think I’m running out of time. Though I can’t help but imagine myself as an old grandma, surrounded by grandchildren, and finally achieving shoelace-tying perfection. Hey, some grandmas perfect their pound cake recipe, I’ll have the shoelace bunny ear technique.

For one, I don’t actually know if I’m running out of time.

And two, he has his dad and other people in his life who love him and would take care of him.

He’s not going to go to college not knowing how to tie his shoelaces or get married without knowing how to use a knife and fork. (Although it’s quite possible he won’t know how to do laundry because my husband certainly doesn’t seem like he knows.)

Laughter and Love: The Ultimate Lesson in Parenthood

I let my irrational fears ruin what could’ve been a nice little moment with my son. Instead of just being present for him, I was mired in my fears of what-ifs.

I realized that he may not even remember who taught him how to tie shoelaces. But he’ll definitely remember feeling loved and cared for. Whether I’m with him for the next two years or twenty, and hopefully many more, he won’t care that I taught him some rudimentary skill. He’ll just know or want to know, that I loved him. And that, my friends, is the ultimate shoelace-tying knot of love. (Ugh, my breast cancer journey has made me so emotional!)

So don’t freak out on your kid as I did with mine! Just be there for them in all their silliness. Don’t think any more about the future just because you have breast cancer now. Let’s focus on the present, where we can find laughter amidst the laces.

Be loving, hopeful, and present. That’s all they really want. That’s all you really need. Living in the present with breast cancer is about embracing each moment with love, hope, and the occasional shoelace mishap that turns into a hilarious memory.